If you’re like most American mothers, you work to help support your family. Even though I knew strong opinions on this existed well before I became a mom almost 11 years ago, I didn’t really wrestle with it myself when my first child was on the way.
While I would have loved to stay home with him full-time, I knew we couldn’t do it yet. I was crossing my fingers that someday I would, and sending my husband some less-than-subtle hints, that I preferred to stay home with my little ones through that first year I spent as a working mom. But I felt a bit silly to insist on it. It’s not like I was the only working mom out there. In Greater Boston, where we lived at the time, staying home was the exception, not the rule.
I’ve learned to see my inclination to the domestic in a different light as my family has grown. First of all, I look back with a lot of empathy at myself when I was struggling through early motherhood while juggling a deadline-driven job that, to be frank, didn’t pay enough to make the stress worthwhile. We were just making ends meet in those days, and feeling burned out and guilty about the time away from my son was demoralizing when I was working such a stressful job as a reporter. On the other hand, I was lucky to work about 32 hours and have a three-day weekend every week. Plus, I spent half of my work week at home. What was I complaining about?
Here’s the reality, though. Looking back, I can see that my son dealt with a lot of separation anxiety that I am quite sure was directly related to his primary caregiver dropping him off in someone else’s care three days a week. Now, it makes so much sense because I understand that my son is a highly-sensitive person. Back then, he was a blossoming child and I had nothing to compare him to. Perhaps insisting I not put him down the entire three days I wasn’t working was just normal?
It honestly does make me really sad to know that the separation really hurt him, as I know it did.
At the same time, my body was sending blaring signals that this work/life arrangement wasn’t working for me either. It’s normal to shed a lot of hair after you have a baby, but my hair fell out in clumps for over a year after I had my first child. I easily went below my pre-pregnancy weight, and I was always on high alert when I was working in the office. Every phone call made me jump. I was waiting to get bad news from the daycare. How awful!
When we wanted to have our second child, I struggled to conceive, and had a miscarriage when I finally did. My doctor told me stress was probably the main culprit for my secondary spell of infertility (not the miscarriage itself), but at the time I was so out of touch with my feelings I just brushed it off. Stress from work, you say? Pish posh; work is just part of life!
Over the years, I was very blessed that I was able to take time out of the working world to stay home as our family grew in size. Eventually, we hit critical mass and working made no financial sense when baby number four came.
And now I see that, rather than an idealistic, entitled brat, my wish to stay home with my children was really the most practical and healthy choice for me and my kids. Childcare is exhausting. Work is exhausting. They are competing priorities, no matter what anyone tells you. If you’re stressed and burned out, your body may respond by unceremoniously deciding you don’t need all that hair on your head. Your child may fearfully cling to you, making your work-free days feel just as exhausting as those spent in the office.
Is being a working mother really without many downsides? No. For me, there were just too many.
For a short time, I lamented that I didn’t wait to start my family until our finances allowed me the option to stay home. I truly believe it would have been better for my super-sensitive son not to be separated from me as an infant. I’ve seen my other babies thrive and show a lot of security that he didn’t. It does sting.
But I am glad we did it the way we did. First of all, no one is getting out of parenthood, childhood, or life in general, unscathed. We all learn from the hard things, and my son is most definitely OK. I find, too, that there is a tendency among parents today to wait until all the variables are just right to have their families, thereby potentially limiting their chances of conceiving, and how many children they will have. The fact is, I really wanted to be a mother and I got what I wanted at the age of 27. I am so grateful for that. And my son is an amazing person whom I would parent through any set of circumstances. He was born at the right time, and we took some lumps together.
This post doesn’t come to judge other mothers who work and are happy with that. I truly believe that parents and kids can thrive through all kinds of job schedules. My son and I just weren’t among them, and knowing that now is really just a gift. I can understand why I had such a hard time, and honor it now as I continue to spend most of my time at home with my kids. It’s also worth noting that I actually enjoy work — and I freelance. Being home full-time was, in many ways, a hard thing to learn for me as an extrovert who thrives on a daily routine. But I think it’s the less stressful and exhausting thing, and it works better for me and my kids.
I’d love to hear how work and parenthood have affected others. If you have a much different experience, or align with this, tell me about it!