Summer rules for kids: Boundaries are key

Summer vacation rules for kids keep everyone happy.

Rules are really important but enforcing them can be really hard. Especially during summertime when there’s a lot of togetherness. Today was our first full day of summer vacation after a half day of school yesterday. It was a long day but it was fairly smooth.

My anxious tendency is to stage a big family meeting and lay out the ground rules before the first day of vacation arrives. But I know that approach is often ineffective. This summer, I felt I needed to take a more relational approach.

I decided not to print a list of rules and post them on the walls in a few visible places around the house. I knew they’d tear and curl and half of my kids can’t read anyway. Instead, I chose to ease into it, taking behavior as it comes.

We are all burned out from the school routine, and I figured we would enjoy a low-key day on the first full day of summer vacation. If the day ended up a bit of a mess in terms of discipline, I could live with it.

Screentime limits

The biggest item in need of regulation for our family, like most, is screen time. As I tucked my older kids in on the night of the last day of school, I gently told them they wouldn’t be hopping on mom’s laptop or the Nintendo Switch at 7 a.m. like they’re allowed to do on Saturday mornings. I suggested that everyone was really tired and needed extra rest, so we’d talk about screen time options after 9 a.m. Surprisingly, they didn’t fight me. They really were that tired.

The next day, I tied the start of screentime to a few key metrics. They must have eaten, brushed teeth, gotten dressed, made the bed and let the neighbor’s chickens out of their coop (we are chickensitting). Next week I’ll think of another quick chore when we no longer have chickens to watch. Then, as long as it’s not too early — before 8 a.m. — they get their morning screen hour.

My guess is they will find reasons to lounge in bed, read or whatever else rather than pop out of bed at dawn with this system in place. This is my masterplan.

NOM NOM NOM

The next big challenge is snack time. It seems that any time is snack time when you have kids. Bored? Have a snack. Mad at your sister? Have a snack. Just eat lunch? Snacktime! Dinner on the stove? Grab a cheese stick!

NOT OK.

Between their ability to ransack the pantry in 24 hours, the snack litter and crumbs on counters and end tables, and the constant interruption caused by requests for sustenance, snacks may well be my undoing this summer if I am not careful. I didn’t do an awesome job of sticking to our two-snack policy today, but a mid-morning and mid-afternoon nibble will be the standard around here, save for the odd popsicle on a hot day.

Sibling relations

We take a hardline against physical aggression between brothers and sisters in this home, so I nipped a few altercations in the bud with some good, old-fashioned stern talk and threats to revoke screen privileges. What’s harder to bear is the constant tension between siblings who play nicely for 15 minutes, fight, cry, and come running to me. Repeat on loop.

Aggression aside, the rule here is, they need to figure it out on their own! It’s hardest for me to follow this rule. I clench my teeth and wait for the next squabbling interruption. I make a casual suggestion or two and resume what I’m doing. If absolutely necessary, I mediate a discussion. Otherwise, conflict resolution is a life skill and I can’t be dragged into this stuff.

Chores

We’ve assigned chores to our older kids for quite a while, but the house gets messier when we are all here and if I didn’t assign additional chores, I’d spend the whole day picking up after everyone. I knew I’d face a battle — especially with our routine-minded oldest — if I assigned new daily chores, so I buried the lead.

I asked kids to help around the house throughout the day, and I was met with surprisingly little resistance. My older daughter cleaned all the glass doors; my son handled his laundry and took care of the dog when asked. As long as this cooperation continues, I won’t bother with any sort of chore chart. (Speaking of that, does anyone else find things like chore charts and checklists cumbersome? I don’t find it helpful to have one more thing to do — check off a list, remind kids to check off a list, etc.)

Summer reading and more

My kids are still pretty young, so we don’t have a lot of summer reading or other mandatory projects to take care of this summer. But my daughter needs to practice math and reading and my son needs to practice his saxophone (he’ll read on his own without prompting). I considered a weekly schedule for this, but like the rest, I’m going to test out a laid-back approach — inviting them to sit with me and read or do a worksheet the school provided during quiet times. I hope this is enough.

Truly, I believe their brains need to rest over the summer. I read somewhere that the rest period is actually essential for absorbing all they have learned and priming their brains for more learning in the fall.

Fun

To be honest, this is the first summer in a long time where I feel like we might actually have a lot of fun.

Let me rephrase: It’s the first summer where I might have a lot of fun. It seemed for several years I had only very young children, was juggling a baby and a toddler, could hardly take my eyes off one to watch the others jump off the dock or do a handstand in the water. I was stressed and frazzled and sleep deprived all the time. I didn’t have energy to calmly enforce boundaries, much less have a sense of adventure.

This year, I sense, will be different. My oldest is in the double digits, my 7-year-old girl is a blast, our 5-year-old is pretty capable, and everyone helps keep an eye on the toddler. Oh, and my mom is now retired, so I have a buddy to bring along with us to the lake, museums, playgrounds and the ice cream shop.

This rule is for me: Say “yes” to more outings, more fun projects at home, and more lemonade stands. Enjoy the peak childhood years with the kids that remind me so much of my own.

I’m not taking a family vacation this summer, and I’m OK with that

I foresee many summer days and evenings on our patio, which isn’t quite this fancy but it’s close!

A staycation isn’t my first choice, but in a year when we took a big spring trip as a family, are trying to furnish a new home, and got slammed with medical and dental bills in the second quarter, it turns out that it’s the right one for us this summer.

And even though I’ve been a little disappointed, I realize I am also relieved.

I actually LOVE family vacations. Most of ours take place in our native New England, and there is plenty to do here. We love Cape Cod above all, but we’ve done our share of lake and mountain vacations too. We generally take a week every summer to rent a house either at the Cape where I spent most of my childhood summers, or in Northern Vermont where I spent a small stint of my childhood.

The recurring theme here is my childhood, it’s true. My parents were very good at getting away and passed that knack on to me, and it turns out that my husband is eager to come along for the ride and mostly lets me pick and plan our trips. Everyone is happy.

So this year, I have some anxiety about not booking a weekly summer retreat. I hate to miss out on something we enjoy and my kids have been vocal about feeling let down too. My five-year-old was pining for a ferry ride to Martha’s Vineyard, and a stay at a small cottage on the Cape the other day. Ouch!

But there are some upsides here, too.

I think most parents of young children agree that vacations are a ton of work. The packing, the logistics of pet care, the finding of provisions upon arrival, and the settling in. The first night is always a total loss in terms of restful sleep. No one stays where they’re supposed to; we can never get the air conditioning or fan situation just right, and children are up at dawn demanding to go to the beach. If we’re lucky, subsequent nights are better for sleeping, but learning the way around a home, especially a kitchen, is harder when you’re wrangling your children. The game of musical bedrooms generally continues until the middle of the week. Maybe by the fifth night, you’re comfortable, and by then, the trip is winding down.

What I’m saying is, I like vacations but they’re a huge pain and maybe taking a summer off will make me appreciate them more.

I know I will want to get back to our summer retreat next year, but for now, I am actually looking forward to not packing a family of six for a week away. This will be our first full summer in a new house and it has ample outdoor living spaces and a sunroom that spills onto the beautifully landscaped stone patio area. There is a wooded area set back on a hill on the rear of the property with a hammock and picnic table — it feels like a campsite. And we have a large, screened-in gazebo perfect for evening lounging.

Our kids also have a few camps they’ll attend, and their beloved grandma is presently moving to the next town over, so they’re thrilled to spend time at her new home.

There are plenty of reasons that summer won’t be so bad right in our own backyard.

Last year, we booked our summer beach vacation before we knew when we’d move to our new house. As it turned out, we closed barely two weeks before our trip dates and we were unable to change them with the house booked solid through July and August. It wasn’t ideal to pack up after packing and moving our entire lives, but I figured there were worse things than having to take a vacation after a stressful move.

Things got a little dicier when a major family event was planned for the first day of our trip, but we decided that at least some of us would try to make that before we all descended on Cape Cod about 90 minutes southeast of our home.

Then on the morning of a departure, our oldest woke up with terrible stomach pain which turned out to be appendicitis. The diagnosis was confirmed during the family event, and I scrambled to get to the hospital and relieve my husband moments before surgery. I spent the first night of our vacation on a fold-out bed next to my recovering son.

Thankfully, he came through well and we were allowed to bring him to the Cape to recover. I tried to take it all in stride but by the middle of the week, when he was able to walk around, we made the mistake of taking the whole gang to a nearby island by ferry on the hottest day of the year. The kids have good memories but there were moments he was too fatigued to walk and by the time we were disembarking on the mainland, I had a hissy fit as I struggled to get our massive stroller onto an elevator — and now my older daughter is strangely terrified of ferries.

Vacations are stressful, there’s no doubt. That one may have been more fraught than average, but now I recall that two years earlier, when I was 7 months pregnant, the fridge in our rental kept breaking and there was also an issue with the upstairs shower flooding the bathroom. It feels like it’s always something.

Home is much less a mystery, and being a parent is already mysterious enough. The kids will surely do and experience a range of things that won’t always be pleasant this summer, but I know the bed is comfortable and the major appliances seem to work. I know where the forks are and the pantry is well stocked, and Grandma is just a few miles down the road.

I need stability and rest after last summer’s move, not to mention the COVID baby and pandemic lifestyle preceding that.

Perhaps a summer staycation will be my very own luxury retreat this year.

Why is summer so stressful with kids?

Here’s what I plan to do to cope

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Pexels.com

Summer vacation is within sight on my calendar here in New England, and I’m doing my usual, disorganized, panicked-planning thing. I’m putting camps on a credit card, trying to strike a balance between overscheduling and being stuck at home with four bored children who do nothing but argue.

It seems that every year, when spring rolls around I start telling myself the same story: This summer will be different! They don’t need to go to camp or take classes, they need downtime! Spend less money and more time on your kids!

But when late spring arrives, I can’t seem to shake the image of my children gone rogue: Toys litter the yard, half-empty glasses of lemonade invade every surface, kids whine for snacks every 30 minutes.

I’m not that good at being home all summer with my kids, OK?

But though I like to strategically schedule camps and other fun activities, I am pretty committed to not overdoing it. While being home with nothing to do is my idea of a disaster, I have to remember that my kids like it! They may enjoy being with peers and trying new things at camp, but being home with unstructured time is something they crave. It’s also what I did during the majority of my childhood summers, and I remember the bliss of playing in the neighborhood with nowhere to be.

Like I said, strategy is the key here. Here are some of the principles I use in planning our 7 to 8 weeks of summer vacation. (Recognizing that not everyone can let their kids lounge at home a lot, this post is admittedly more helpful for parents who either stay home, or work from home and have flexible schedules.)

1. Start with downtime.

I’m kind of breaking this rule this year for reasons a little outside my control, but in general, I believe in letting the first couple of weeks of summer be quiet ones. I try not to plan on summer camp, and make room for school debriefing.

2. Prioritize

Take stock of each child and what his or her needs are. For example, I currently have a rising kindergartner who none of us is especially excited to be stuck at home with all summer. He has ENDLESS energy, he is loud, he never sleeps during the day. While I adore him and think he is a wonderful person, a majority of the camp budget will be directed at him. I know he will thrive on the constant action. The rest of us can stay home during his camp weeks and read books in peace.

3. Stagger

Put one child in a camp at a time for part of the summer. Enjoy the extra downtime with your other child or children, and the relative quiet that comes from having one less voice in the mix.

4. Space

I’ve noticed that, as much as I like a quiet house while kids are at camp or other activities, driving to and from these things gets to be exhausting. I try to have down weeks between camps, for this reason and also because I notice my kids enjoy camp more this way.

5. Stack

Camp is definitely pricey and young kids can’t often go, but if you are able, try to pick a week when all of your kids are in camp. I have grand plans of doing this someday, when all of my kids are camp age, and taking time to organize closets, go to lunch with my husband, or hit the beach. Will I ever get there? I don’t know, but it’s important to have a reach goal!

6. Plan outings

Summer is a great time to tackle the things on your bucket list you never seem to get to with the kids. With my mom newly retired, and no babies in tow, I plan to do some serious day-tripping to regional attractions or just some of my favorite childhood summertime haunts.

I am convinced there is no way to avoid hitting that late-summer wall when you’re the parent of a bunch of kids, but hopefully some carefully placed camp, outings and sports (anyone have a gymnastics kid tethered to a gym?!) you can keep that at bay for as long as possible.

And who knows, maybe this will be the first summer as a mom I didn’t want to end.